betrayal
What is Betrayal Trauma?
According to Jennifer Freyd, PhD., ”Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person' s trust or well-being: Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma.”
Betrayal trauma differs from other types of trauma like witnessing a catastrophic event because of the proximity we are emotionally to the person who has wounded us. Studies will show us that the more significant the betrayal, the higher the likelihood of something called “betrayal blindness.” This can lead to many who have experienced physical or emotional affairs to respond with hysterical bonding.
What is Hysterical Bonding?
Simply put, it’s a way the betrayed individual seeks out connection and perceived safety, albeit not an intimate connection. Examples include:
Frequent texting
Incessant worry about where the other person is
Obsession with details about partners whereabouts
Looking to “catch” their partner in a lie
An increase in sexual activity as a means to “outsex” the “sex addict” or the partner’s desire to provide “enough” sexual performance that the unfaithful partner doesn’t need to seek it out elsewhere
Unsuccessful attempts at forgiveness
A desire to recount the details of the affair and how it began/ended
Constant rumination on the infidelity
Mood swings
If you find any of these symptoms to be true of your relationship, know you’re not alone.
Research from the past two decades shows that between 20 and 25 percent of married men cheat and between 10 and 15 percent of married women cheat,
While this statistic can be reassuring for the betrayed partner to not feel alone, the reality is very few people fully understand the depths of your pain, even if they, too, have worked through their own betrayal trauma.
Affair-Proof Your Marriage
While there’s no hard and fast rule to protecting your marriage from emotional or physical infidelity, it is possible to set boundaries in place that are mutually agreed upon. This requires a bit of honesty and ongoing communication. Example boundaries that have worked well include:
going to bed at the same time
computer monitor faces the door so whatever’s being viewed is visible to all at home
phones stay out of the bathroom
pornography/strip clubs are off the table
no meals out alone with the opposite (or same, depending on sexual orientation) sex.
no evening/frequent texting with friends or coworkers
limit overnight trips for work or bring your spouse and make it a couple’s trip
installing apps on your phone like Life 360
spouse trump card-if someone makes your spouse uncomfortable, ie they feel another man or woman is interested in you and you “don’t see it,” your spouse gets the trump card and can ask that you refrain from work meetings, lunches, trips, and the like with the other party.
What Next?
Infidelity isn’t a one way ticket to a divorce, in fact, some partners find they are able to forgive and move past the infidelity and have a thriving relationship. While divorce can be the best course of action, especially for repeated infidelity or spouses who are unwilling to cease the affair/fully own the entirety of their betrayal, therapy can help you make a decision that isn’t done in haste or emotional turmoil. Processing your feelings in a space where you can be candid and honest is a great first step in deciding what’s next for your relationship. Our staff are equipped to help you make wise decisions for your children, yourself, and your family. Our team believes that knowledge is powerful and understanding you are not alone, nor are you to blame, for your partner’s affair, is a first step towards healing, regardless of whether or not you decide to stay in the relationship.
For more information on Betrayal trauma visit these websites:
Complex Behavioral Trauma and Emotional Dysregulation
The Cause and Effect of Partner Betrayal Trauma | Psychology Today
What is hysterical bonding?
Hysterical Bonding; signs, causes, and how to deal
-Written by Elizabeth Westbrook, MA, LMSW