grief
“Grief, I’d come to realize was like dust, when you’re in the thick of a dust storm, you’re completely disoriented by the onslaught, struggling to see or breathe. But as the force recedes, and you slowly find your bearing and see a path forward, the dust begins to settle into the crevices. And it will never disappear completely- as the years pass, you’ll find it in unexpected places at unexpected moments.”
If you are experiencing grief, you may find it difficult to explain. Grief is often unpredictable and complicated given the specific losses we face. Below are some resources that may offer healing, solidarity, or language for you in your journey with grief.
Death of a loved one
One of our deepest needs while experiencing grief is the need for that grief to be witnessed, there can be immense comfort in letting someone in. Loss of our people feels isolating, lonely and deeply painful. Maybe you have lost a child, a spouse, a best friend, a parent, a sibling, etc. Losing people in our lives comes with immense recurring loss. When loved ones die, so do their dreams and the possibilities of what life could have been like. Because no relationship is perfect, grief can even feel messier if the relationship with the deceased was complicated or at times painful. Perhaps you find yourself alone in this grief experience. You may also be walking with others through the loss which may raise companionship and difficulty as you learn to be with each other and give each other the necessary space grief requires. Whether you find yourself in isolation, surrounded or somewhere in between, loss of loved ones will alter your life. May there be some words below that offer comfort.
Brene and David discuss David’s story of losing his son to addiction. David discusses the stages of grief which took time and the healing he has found in connecting with his son through his own personal journey. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/
David Kessler describes what happens in our brain as we grieve. This video may be for those who feel stuck in traumatic memories or find themselves in a cycle of worry. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpuyp5Zp8zw
In this short TED Talk, Nora discusses her experiences with the deaths of many loved ones in her life, her unborn child, her father and her husband. She discusses her experience with loneliness in her grief experience and how the presence of the those lost is experienced in her life today. “We don’t Move on From Grief. We move forward with it.” Nora McInerny - https://youtu.be/khkJkR-ipfw
Kate Bowler is known for her own personal story and her writings and resources as it pertains to grief. Here is a website, a link to her podcast and one of her books
website: grief happens.com
book: “No cure for being human”
More book suggestions:
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infant loss
Within the realm of death of a loved one, infant loss is a unique pain. It ushers parents and caregivers into a life that they never expected or planned for. Reminders of the loss are found everywhere. With every new pregnancy or birth announcement on social media can come a flood of painful emotions and sensations. One aspect that makes infant loss especially challenging is the weight of responsibility that many parents and caregivers carry after the loss. While not founded in truth, thoughts of “I should have done something” can haunt the parent. As a sense of acceptance arrives, it can be paired with feelings of rage and despair at the powerlessness one feels. This is a time when the bereaved deserve to be held closely and supported consistently. Infant loss is a grief that one holds with them forever. It may shift in shape and intensity over time, but it never goes away. Walking in healing after infant loss can feel daunting, and choosing to hold onto hope can feel foolish; yet choosing healing and hope is always courageous. Individuals walking this road are deserving of care, comfort, and community.
Here are some links for options for community: (You don’t have to walk this path alone.)
Grief and loss support from Postpartum Support International
Mothers of Held Angels (MOHA) support group
Disappointment
Oftentimes our experience with grief is ongoing, unclear and complicated. Perhaps, you are grieving the death of a dream or the death of a relationship. You may be grieving the life that your loved one was supposed to have but is facing a life-altering medical diagnosis or battling addiction. Perhaps your childhood was full of change, instability, or pain. You may be dealing with the lasting effects of religious trauma.
Life changes can stir up anxiety, a need for control and even sadness. With unexpected or even planned life transitions, a yes to something is a no to something else. There may be grief tied to the thing you or someone else is saying no to. Are you struggling to move forward? Are You struggling to embrace new possibilities because you found stability in the way things were?
Loss is a part of the human experience. We face loss every day. When trauma is present, there is also loss. If you find yourself stuck in an experience of grief, it may be time to pay attention to the losses you have endured.
Tish Harrison Warren offers Spiritual wisdom and encouragement for those navigating loss. This is a link to her podcast and book:
Adam Young a therapist known for his work in Narrative Therapy. His podcast: The Place We Find Ourselves, has many episodes that deal with suffering, grief, loss and trauma. Here are two episodes that address suffering and sorrow:
podcast: when suffering lingers
Diane Langberg is known for her work in trauma. In this lecture, Diane discusses the human’s experience with death, loss and grief. She shares about death as an enemy, but distinguishes grief as not an enemy.
lecture: the journey through grief and loss
These are the Grief Archives of the Allender Center’s podcast:
podcast: grief
Divorce
Divorce is one of the hardest things to grieve. It is a form of death and recovery can take time. For those navigating loss of a marriage, check out these resources:
Divorce Care: this is a faith-based ministry where you can find groups to join in your area for support
Elizabeth Westbrook’s instagram account which is specific to divorce recovery and coparenting: grayboxresources
What to do:
Learning to co-exist with grief is a lifelong process. One thing that can often help as we navigate loss and learn to live with grief is to manage expectations. Taking time to reflect on or write out what we may be expecting from ourselves as we grieve or from others may be helpful as we identify what expectations are realistic or unrealistic. (Examples of expectations may include how people take care of us, how long our grief period “should” last, how I am supposed to be there for other people involved, etc.)
Recognize what you may need with where you are in your grief journey.
This may include counseling, a grief share group or community, or a sabbatical or season of intense rest.
This may also include allowing your grief to be witnessed by a trusted friend, loved one, or pastor.
Loss never goes away. We deal with death and loss every day. We often feel pressure to rush through grief or to find the end point of our grieving. The reality is that there is just not a finish line to grieving in this life. What losses need to be paid attention to in your life?
-written by Abigail Fontenot, practicum intern