parenting teens

Ways to improve your relationship

Parenting teens is challenging, yet can be one of the most rewarding stages of raising kids. Check out this article on 5 ways to improve your relationship with your teen for some simple ways you can work to improve your relationship. Remember that these adult-sized kids in your home are their own people with their own struggles and feelings. Taking time to try to understand them will go a long way to improving your relationship.

when to consider counseling for your teen

The teenage years are a battleground for teens juggling the stress of school and extra-curricular, relationships with friends and family, and fluctuating emotions. The logic-center of the brain does not fully develop until the age of 25, so a teen is dealing with heavy, hard things and they are not fully equipped to walk through it alone. Parents are the number one, most effective support for teens, so don’t give up! Even as you continue supporting them with the resources and love that you have, there are times when seeking professional help is a good next step. Check out this article on how to know when it is time to consider counseling for your teen.

basic needs of all teens

There are some basic things parents can do to foster health and positive connection with their teens. These come from Attachment Theory, a psychological theory that stresses the central role of caregivers (attachment figures) in the life of the child. Here are three basic needs of all children (with an emphasis on teens):

• delight. Teens need to see that parents or caregivers delight in them. They can feel overwhelmed by the stress in their lives and the feelings of comparison that plague them. Parents can make a huge impact on their teens by taking time to delight in them.

  DO:

  • laugh at their jokes

  • watch their silly YouTube/TikTok videos when they want to show you

  • smile when they walk in a room

  • listen (without distractions) when they talk

  DO LESS:

  • lecturing

  • asking about schoolwork/grades

  • seeing and pointing out the things they need to work on

• containment. Think of a fence around them; this is the concept of containment. Teens need to feel that you can handle their mood fluctuations and their bad decisions. Sometimes a consequence is necessary and can be given but it is given by a calm mom or dad who can stay regulated when the teen is dysregulated. This is also an area where boundaries are helpful. Clear, non-moving, achievable rules are necessary for teens to know what is expected of them.

  DO:

  • give clear, achievable expectations

  • stay calm even when they are not

  • allow them to explore their values and opinions

  • offer a safe place for them to discuss their thoughts

  • ask a lot of questions

  DO LESS:

  • giving extremely high or fluctuating expectations

  • lecturing

  • overreacting when they share their thoughts/opinions

  • losing your temper

• repair. Teens need to know they can come back and fix things quickly with Mom and Dad or a caregiver when they mess up. When they come, just welcome them back and restore your connection. This may look like smiling, hugging them, and moving on to another topic. Parents and caregivers should also model asking for forgiveness by apologizing when you have wronged your teen. They do not need a perfect parent; they need a good-enough parent willing to repair when rupture has occurred in the relationship.

  DO:

  • forgive quickly

  • apologize frequently

  • talk through how the situation made each of you feel

  • keep your emotions regulated

  • give consequences without shaming or emotionally distancing from them

  • be patient with yourself and with them; none of us are perfect

  DO LESS:

  • emotionally withdrawing

  • shaming

  • waiting for things to blow over (pursue repair quickly)

  • waiting for them to come to you (pursue repair with them)

navigating sexual or gender identity questions

(from a traditional christian perspective)

Navigating sexuality and gender identity is no easy task in the culture we live in today. Supporting your teen as they navigate this is one of the most difficult tasks Christian parents face. There are several things to consider when facing this aspect of parenting.

• Take away the politically charged thoughts you have and really listen. Try to see things from a Christian perspective and not a political one. Your beliefs matter and it is important to hold to those, but how you approach this with your teen is with love and understanding and listening; not with dogma, judgment, and fear. Talk out your fears with a partner or a therapist, and allow space for your teen to process their feelings with you.

• Lead with love. Your teen needs to feel that you love and accept them regardless of their wrestling with their sexuality or gender identity. They probably know how you feel about this topic if you are a professing Christian; another lecture about your beliefs is not going to convince them to change theirs. Your love for them as your child is a gift you can continue to give them no matter their life decisions.

• Take care of yourself and educate yourself. Find support for yourself as you navigate this new parenting challenge. Support can look like other Christian parents who are navigating the same thing, talking to a therapist who is trained in navigating sexuality and gender for people of faith, and reading books on the topic. Taking care of yourself can also include exercise, eating whole foods, and getting plenty of rest. Don’t neglect yourself and don’t do this alone.

resources

Mark Yarhouse. Mark is a writer and advisor and Professor of Psychology at Wheaton College, where he runs the Sexual & Gender Identity Institute.

• books:

  • Talking to kids about gender identity

  • When Children Come Out

  • Homosexuality and the Christian

• podcasts:

  • Check out this podcast where Mark Yarhouse discusses how to talk to your kids about gender identity

  • Check out this podcast.

    Description: “today’s youth struggle with difficult questions of sexual identity and gender.  The culture's view on these issues are changing and that often makes it tough on knowing how to talk with our teens and others we love about these issues.  Wheaton College Professor Mark Yarhouse talks with Ed Stetzer about how to discuss sexual identity while being faithful to Scripture, informed by science and sensitive to the culture.”

Preston Sprinkle. Preston hosts a podcast called “Theology in the Raw” where he engages in topics around sexuality and gender from the historical Christian viewpoint.

• books:

  • People to be Loved

  • for your teen: Living in a Gray World: A Christian Teen’s Guide to Understanding Homosexuality

  • Embodied: Transgender Identities, the Church, and What the Bible Has to Say

• podcasts:

  • Check out this podcast

    Description: In this conversation, we talk about the guest speaker’s journey in faith and sexuality, the fluidity of female sexuality, and about healthy ways to parent LGBTQ kids.

  • Check our this podcast

    Description: In this conversation, they discuss how to best parent LGBTQ kids from a Christian perspective. Having worked with thousands of families with LGBTQ kids, the guest speaker has gleaned a ton of wisdom over the years in this area. 

  • Check out this podcast where Preston Sprinkle interviews Mark Yarhouse

-Written by Marisa Cockrell, MA, LPC

Marisa is trained in Sexual Identity Therapy (SIT) with Mark Yarhouse, which helps clients navigate their religious identity and their sexual/gender identity. Marisa also has a passion for helping parents work through their feelings surrounding their kids coming out. Marisa is also skilled at working with parents on how to engage with and improve their relationships with their teens.